How hard could it be? You take Dimensional Portal(TM) technology and push - ahem, I mean convince - several seasoned (I like mine with more salt than is healthy and a dash of Tabasco) journalists through it. (Oh, don't be so judgmental - 90 per cent of that sentence worked!) Once they've been in the alternate reality long enough, you expect them to send back news articles about what they find there. You'd think it would be easy.
Of course, it's hell. For one thing, there are the strange beats. Courts. International Politics. Pie Eating Contests. Okay, I'm not sure about the last one, but Meredyth Flimflamflooie has been submitting three articles on the subject a week faithfully for the last seven years, and I haven't the heart to tell her that we can't use her recipes because we don't have the key ingredients on Earth Prime.
Or, the journalists. My father (who was a chiropractor - what? You got something against people getting medical attention for their backs?) always told me that you can't trust journalists the moment they leave your office. Or, turn your head. Reporting from multiple universes just means that they're that far away from several different versions of your office! I've lost track of how many times reporters have come back from alternate Earths with a tattoo that could only be seen in eleven dimensions under black light! Then there was the one who married a Ventrosian Squiggle, divorced her - him - flerm a minute later and declared a vow of chastity and returned to Earth Prime to join a monastery two minutes after that. And he was only supposed to be covering the premier of a movie!
Honestly! If we had known maintaining a news organization would be such hard work, we would have become plumbers instead!
I know that when I look at collections of our journalism in print - five volumes are currently out making their way in the world, scaring small children and large horses - I'm, supposed to get all mushy and say that it was all worth it. Well, ferk it. I don't do mushy! You think Steve Jobs ever did mushy? Or Attila the Hun? (I'm not comparing the two, although, now that I come to think of it, are there any pictures of them in the same room together?) I'm just saying that you should buy all of our books because Mama needs a new bull whip. What? Oh. I mean...Cool Whip. Mama needs a new...tub of Cool Whip.
Public opinion can suck all the fun out of humourous science fiction journalism!
Brenda Brundtland-Govanni
Editrix-in-Chief
The Alterrnate Reality News Service
"If you don't like this reality, try another one!"
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